“Ah ha!” can sometimes lead us down the path of rightness – along with its associated narrowing of choices.

Have you ever suddenly “got it” and said to yourself, “Ah ha!”? Maybe you felt you suddenly came to some realization that would solve your current or life problems. Many new therapists believe that if a client comes to a “realization” or “ah ha” then all is well and the client will come away from the session with resolution. This presupposes the insanely incorrect misconception that if we just know enough about our problem we can solve it and that resolution means solution.

“Ah ha’s” are fine and often make you feel you are progressing toward your goals. And sometimes that feeling is right on and correct. However, just as often or more, the “ah ha!” is merely the mind’s way of keeping you stuck or in the status quo – no progress toward substantial change.

When I was doing Rapid Eye trainings I’d often see students light up with “ah ha! I get it now!” and then return to doing exactly what they were doing before my feedback/correction. Their mind formed an image or “lock-on” – and with the lock-on they would lock out whatever else seemed different from their image. It’s called a scotoma and it feels very good – releasing endorphins in the brain. It is NOT resolution, though it often feels like it.

A scotoma is merely the result of the mind fixating on ONE solution or ideal – which feels like resolution – and excluding all other possibilities. In other words, being RIGHT.

Rightness (the condition of being right) is not all it’s cracked up to be. Being right when you’re wrong is just being VERY wrong – along with all the attending defenses to sustain the wrong as right – that wonderful feeling of “I’m superior” and somehow better than. It is the height of foolishness to believe we KNOW anything. We merely hold notions as beliefs and then apply rightness to those notions we like – seeking or sustaining pleasure while seeking to escape pain (as we suppose). Therefore, rightness actually comes down to “that which makes me feel good or safe about…[some thing or concept]” while wrongness is “that which I feel might threaten or cause me pain.”

“Ah ha!” can sometimes lead us down the path of rightness – along with its associated narrowing of choices. Once we “get it” in a great “ah ha!” we tend to close down to alternatives and be satisfied with our “resolution” – which is really a justification that makes sense to us because it fits into our image of what SHOULD be. Since we are satisfied, we tend to plateau rather than seek real resolution and what is beyond. And at the end of the day, we are left with neither resolution nor satisfaction.

When “Why” is the wrong question

Sometimes the word can serve us – as in times when we are seeking a philosophical answer to a philosophical question, like, “Why is space so vast?” etc.

However, usually we confuse “why” with useful words like “what” and “how”.

“What” tends to elicit a noun – some thing.
“How” tends to elicit a behavior or action – something we do.
“Why” tends to elicit a justification or reason – our philosophy.

“What is for dinner?” elicits nouns like “carrots and peas” and “fish” and is quite a different question from “Why isn’t dinner on the table yet?” – which tends to elicit a justification.

“How can we work out our differences?” elicits an action with some kind of end result in mind – and is far different from, “Why can’t we work out our differences?” – which focuses attention on “why we can’t”. It may be nice to know why you can’t work out your differences – but don’t you really just want to DO something about it rather than just know why?

Particularly when applied to ourselves, “why” can be the incorrect question. “Why do I always push away those I love most?” Although this question may elicit some interesting information – what I call “Gee Whiz” information – which in this case would probably include some kind of “ah ha” like “So THAT’S why I do that!” – does it really get me any closer to a real resolution or, better, a solution? More likely, what I will elicit with my “ah ha” will be some kind of justification for “WHY” I have done what I have done – which tends to keep me safely in my current behavior pattern. If what I’m really wanting is a solution, then perhaps I would do well with a “how” question instead – eliciting a STRATEGY for successful change.

A more useful question might be, “How can I behave to attract and keep others interested in me?” Or, “In what ways can I change my behavior so others feel safe around me?”

“Why” can be useful if it puts you onto a path toward the kind of substantial and real change you seek. When your “why” question leads you to an “ah ha” moment, don’t let it fool you into believing you’ve come to a resolution or transformation.
Transformation can only be measured in behavioral change over time. “Ah ha!” is simply gee whiz information if it doesn’t lead to substantial behavioral change over time.

Don’t let your “Why’s” beat your “What’s” and “How’s” into submission.

Here’s one way you can take charge of your “why’s”.

Since “why” is a mind game, we’ll play a mind game to control it. Somehow that sounds reasonable to me…

Whenever you hear yourself speak the word “why” in your mind make a “what” or “how” question of it instead. For example, “Why did you do that?” becomes “What did you do?” or “How did you do that” or “What can I do to help you stop/keep doing that?” or “How can we stop/encourage more of this behavior?” etc. Get creative – by getting creative you open the parts of your mind that might conceal the answers you seek but have been beaten into submission by your misuse of “why” questions.

It’s just a matter of asking the “right” questions…