Sometimes we get caught up in the blame game. We are so sure that it is someone else’s fault that we are poor, or angry, or left out, or disrespected, or unappreciated, or ugly, or fat, or clumsy, or afraid – we are the victim of somebody else’s bad behavior. Because we are the victim of somebody else’s actions, someone else’s mistakes, we are helpless to change our circumstance and must take what comes our way.
Blaming makes us feel better temporarily, but somehow, blaming others never really satisfies us for long because blaming others never brings about a change of condition. After a while, we grow accustomed and maybe even addicted to the blame game.
You can only change that which you own. So long as you give your power for change to another through blame, you are powerless to effect change. You will continue to be the victim of others to whom you have given your power.
If you are unhappy and it is the fault of someone else that you are unhappy, you are in a power-less position. You must rely upon the other person for a change of heart – a change that may never happen. Why leave your happiness up to someone else when you can account for it yourself? Why leave yourself in a powerless position when you can reclaim your power and make your life as you please? Would you like to be happy in your life? Would you like to be free of guilt, shame, anger, frustration, and disappointment?
You can change your life substantially by taking personal responsibility for yourself. This is called personal accountability. You account for yourself. You are doing this already, yet may not be aware.
Becoming aware is the secret to enjoying a life of wonderful abundance, glorious happiness, and blissful success. And it occurs in seven stages.
Stage 1. I Project Myself Onto Others.
I acknowledge my own leadership, beauty, wisdom, anger, etc., by expressing or seeing it in and through others. “They” are beautiful. “They” are angry. “They” are making me unhappy. This is the stage of expectation and blame. It is also the stage of justification and rationalization in which I reason that it is not my fault that I feel as I do – it is “their” fault, because… I project my feelings out and away from myself because I’m afraid to own them myself – afraid they will hurt too much. Expecting someone else to own my feelings can be frustrating and stressful and so my world is filled with stress, dissatisfaction, and disappointment. In this stage it can be a challenge to see myself for who I really am because I am so busy needing THEM to fulfill MY expectations – needing THEM to make ME happy. And because THEY cannot possibly always fulfill MY expectations, I am often unhappy. And it’s THEIR FAULT.
Stage 2. My Projection Fades.
The OTHER person fails to fulfill MY expectations of them by acting in a different way than I expected them to act. Maybe my idol has fallen from grace or my angry neighbor does me a kind act. This is the stage of excuses. When I see my projection of others fading I recover my images through rationalizing or creating excuses and reasons for their behaviors, looks, attitudes, etc., thinking or explaining that “everyone has a hard day from time to time” or “even a bad apple can have a good side.” In this stage I can justify my fading projections, restoring them to their place. This stage usually results in my return to stage one. I can loop between stage one and two for a lifetime. OR, I can become aware of my condition and move on to the next stage.
Stage 3. My Projection Disintegrates.
The one I have projected myself upon completely blows my image of them and cannot regain it. My idol confesses to some hideous crime, or my neighbor turns out to be a nice guy after all. I am then faced with the awful reality of my self-imposed deception; I immediately begin to express disappointment, anger, and then blame. This is the stage of choice. I may revert to stage one, finding someone else to hold my projection, or I may move on to stage 4. My projection may be important enough to me that I will repeat these first three stages for years – maybe a lifetime.
Stage 4. Taking Account.
I recognize the projection and see it for the fantasy that it is. There is an element of grief at this point; grief for the hurt I have unconsciously inflicted upon others. I begin to act responsibly by consciously cleaning up the messes I created in my unconscious stages of projection. This is the stage of honesty as I accept the possibility of seeing in a new way. In this stage I take responsibility for my own creative thought processes and choose consciously to redirect my thoughts. In this stage, I may gain a glimpse of the real me. This is the stage of calamity. Because I am taking accountability for myself and my behaviors and feelings, it would take a calamitous event to shake me back to stage one where I can once again blame and project. Parts of me want to return to the familiar environment of the blame game and so I may set myself up for a calamity in which I can blame someone else – or a group of others – for the terrible thing that happens to me or to someone I care about. If I revert to blame, I will return to stage one. With awareness, I can move on to the next stage.
Stage 5. Expressing Compassion.
In the process of grieving, the recovery of self begins. I express compassion for myself by honoring the individuality and uniqueness of my thoughts and those of others. In this stage, I start out fresh with self-esteem through forgiveness and taking a deeper look at what my perceptions are or have been. By doing this I choose new, ever more productive methods for imaging my world. Judgment is replaced by compassion – I acknowledge others as worthy of my esteem regardless of their actions. That is because I am beginning to accept my own worthiness. This is the stage of listening. I now hear past the words and actions or behaviors of others into the realm of understanding and empathy.
Stage 6. Appreciation.
I begin to recognize in this stage that all I perceive in others is only what I have projected from within me. In this stage I gratefully regain the power I’ve given away to others; power to write my own script; power to change my script; power of my own innate personhood. I accept and feel gratitude for the mirror that life is to me. Blame is replaced by acceptance and appreciation. I respect the rights of others to be and act as they do because I accept that “they” are just mirrors of me. Life at this stage is enjoyed as a full experience no longer requiring repair or correction. My imagination knows greater trust of my world as expectations melt away, giving rise to a new form – acceptance.
Stage 7. Celebration and Integration.
I now consciously celebrate the beauty of my own creations. In this stage there is a celebration for the variety of unique gifts that I offer myself, integrating the mirror of life into my beingness. This is the stage of full empowerment – in which I take full responsibility and power over my life and environment. This is the stage of I AM – I AM all that I perceive. This is the stage of knowledge – knowing that it is I who create my life and I who is the cause of my life. This is the stage of oneness – all “selves” are integrated into one great whole. Higher Self is no longer hidden by fear as fear is replaced with trust and power. This is the authority of the creator in full possession of awareness of that creative power.
Beyond stage 7 is the great unknown territory of spirit. This is not the religious “spirit” of fear and control so many have used to enslave and dominate others. This is the spirit of total freedom and unlimited power. It is the spirit of ecstasy, bliss, and total love.
The journey of the soul through these stages is a wondrous journey of self discovery. Perhaps you recognize yourself in one of these stages. Take the opportunity of recognition to move on and progress to the next stage. With recognition, you are 99% of the way to completion. Your own happiness and the happiness of those around you depend upon you. You are the central character in your drama. It is up to you to choose. It is up to you to take charge of your life.
It is up to you…
Adapted from Angeles Ariens The Four Fold Way