Tag Archives: adult relationships

We or I

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Perhaps there is hope for marriages where at least one partner is willing to exchange "I" for "we".

Perhaps there is hope for marriages where at least one partner is willing to exchange “I” for “we”.

UC Berkeley researchers analyzed conversations between 154 middle-aged and older couples about points of disagreement in their marriages and found that those who used pronouns such as “we,” “our” and “us” behaved more positively toward one another and showed less physiological stress. Couples who emphasized their “separateness” by using pronouns such as “I,” “me” and “you” were found to be less satisfied in their marriages. This was especially true for older couples.

“Individuality is a deeply ingrained value in American society, but, at least in the realm of marriage, being part of a ‘we’ is well worth giving up a bit of ‘me,’” said UC Berkeley psychology professor Robert Levenson, a co-author of the study published in the journal Psychology and Aging.

Previous studies have established that the use of “we-ness” or “separateness” language is a strong indicator of marital satisfaction in younger couples. These latest findings, however, take this several steps further by showing how powerful this correlation is in more established couples, linking it to the emotions and physiological responses that occur when spouses either team up or become polarized in the face of disagreements, researchers said.

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Adversity’s Silver Lining

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A little trauma actually strengthens your resilience.

A little trauma actually strengthens your resilience.

Mark D. Seery of the University at Buffalo published a paper on the psychological effects of adversity vs resilience. He concludes that a little adversity is actually good for you. But, how much is “too much” adversity depends on each person’s resilience. Many studies have shown that traumatic events can cause long-lasting psychological damage.

The common wisdom is “That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” – which is not supported by scientific evidence. Quite the contrary, most evidence points to the opposite – that which doesn’t kill you makes you weaker, at least psychologically.

However, Seery contends that a little trauma actually strengthens your resilience – a bit like exercise traumatizes yet strengthens muscles. Just like in the case of strengthening muscles by traumatizing them (to build muscle, one must damage muscle cells a little), a few traumatizing events in one’s lifetime can strengthen their resilience after future traumas.

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Pattern Problems

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How quickly and accurately we recognize a pattern could mean the difference between death and survival 20,000 years ago.

How quickly and accurately we recognize a pattern could mean the difference between death and survival 20,000 years ago.

Patterns – it’s the stuff of life. We don’t perceive reality – we literally create it with our assumptions – based on our perception of patterns. We assume a pattern as soon as we “guess” that one exists. After that, we tend to “fill in the blanks” rather than test our hypothesis (our “guess”).

To illustrate my point, consider the following pattern:

1, 2, 3…

Can you predict the next number? Of course you can. You assume it is 4. That’s because you perceive a familiar pattern. But, what if it is not 4. What if it is 5 instead? Is the pattern broken? Maybe – unless you can perceive a new pattern, you will not be able to predict the next or the next number.

Prediction is how we survived on the plains 200,000 years ago when we were considered food by many of the then existing fauna. Correct predictions brought about survival. Incorrect predictions often brought about death. Over the course of millions of years of evolution, prediction has become so ingrained in humans as to make it invisible to us.

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A Worthwhile Conversation

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I'll be nice when it's fair!

I'll be nice when it's fair!

“If you act nice to them, people won’t take you seriously.”

“What the hell do I care?”

“But if it doesn’t help you, why do it?”

“Sometimes it helps me. But don’t you just like being nice to people?”

“Sometimes. But then if they’re not nice back I get mad.”

“Yeah; just skip that part. How often are you nice to people?”

“Not too often. I’m usually waiting for them to do something where they deserve me being nice.”

“Then that’s not being nice. That’s being fair.”

Conrad Cook, Mindlist
onewetsneaker.wordpress.com

The problem with “fairness” is that it’s always lopsided: “balanced” more toward the person doing the judging of such “fairness” – my grandchildren always judge something as fair if they get what they want – and not fair if they don’t get what they want. Being nice, on the other hand is just a simple frame of mind that says, in effect, “I’m a person I respect who does nice things for others just because I can.”

Happiness in Conversations

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My mother and I often engage in small talk - but it's code for "I love you."

My mother and I often engage in small talk – but it’s code for “I love you.”

Researchers investigated the difference between happy and unhappy people in the types of conversations they tend to have. Their conclusion – happy people tend to have more substantive conversations and less small talk than do unhappy people. In fact, the study showed the happiest participants had twice as many substantive conversations and one third as much small talk as the unhappiest participants.

“Just as self-disclosure can instill a sense of intimacy in a relationship, deep conversations may instill a sense of meaning in the interaction between partners,” say the researchers.

It’s okay to talk about the weather or basketball scores, but why do you talk about such things? Are you nervous or anxious or concerned about the person with whom you’re having a conversation? Then why not just come out with it instead? Well, for many of us, just “coming out with it” is uncomfortable and sometimes opens windows or doors into worlds of hurt and shame. So we “code” our conversations so as not to directly shake the tree, so to speak.

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