Tag Archives: happy marriage

Simple Awareness

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For just a moment, sipping on a cuppa staring out the window, I noticed!

For just a moment, sipping on a cuppa staring out the window, I noticed!

I was just standing there with coffee cup in hand staring out the window at the back yard – a behavior I’ve practiced thousands of times over many years. Suddenly and without warning, my mind focused on the amazing feat I was performing. I was aware that I was paying attention to life as it was occurring.

In all the universe, as far as I know, there is only one consciousness that I can identify as ME, experiencing what I am experiencing.

For a VERY short number of years, my life will have flashed upon the stage and gone. In geological time scales, I hardly exist at all – micro-time in comparison. Yet in that relative instant of time, everything that ever was or ever will be exists for me.

During my instant of time, I enjoy relationships with so many wonderful people I care about so deeply; I breathe, see, feel, move, emote, and so much more; I feel so grateful to be alive, to have experiences, to relate to others, and to enjoy some awareness now and then. It may be only a tiny instant in time, but it is everything – 100% of all time – to me.

For just a moment, sipping on a cuppa staring out the window, I noticed!

I’m still awed by it.

Strengthening Families

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Reflecting back on what might have happened leads to increased individual commitment to the group.

Reflecting back on what might have happened leads to increased individual commitment to the group.

Researchers from the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University and the Haas School of Business at the University of California, Berkeley have discovered that building a more committed workforce can be as simple as asking employees to reflect on their company’s history.

“Institutions that can communicate a compelling historical narrative often inspire a special kind of commitment among employees. It is this dedication that directly affects a company’s success and is critical to creating a strong corporate legacy.” (Galinsky).

Could the same be applied to families? Keep reading for my take on this phenomenon.

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The LGBTQ Bias

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Perhaps our definition of "normal" needs redefining.

Perhaps our definition of "normal" needs redefining.

I’m always on the lookout for thinking errors I may have previously overlooked. Here’s a dandy bias that affects a growing proportion of the world’s population. Marginalized and dehumanized, a significant segment of our population has endured censorship, hatred, bigotry, and worse at the hands of their heterosexual neighbors while contributing greatly to the overall sweetness and vitality of our human experience. Even research about them has been tainted by bias favoring heterosexual relationships as the “norm.”

“The underlying assumption of research on LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer) families has been premised on the idea that the children of gay and lesbian people will have unique challenges because of their parent’s sexual orientation. LGBTQ people have had to establish that they are good parents by raising children who are heterosexual and gender-normative, i.e., not like them.”

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Reality Tunnels

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Cause and effect thinking tends to tunnel our thought processes.

Cause and effect thinking tends to tunnel our thought processes.

Cause and effect thinking tends to tunnel our thought processes over time. That is, we believe one thing happens because of another – then we tunnel that cause-effect relationship into an “only” relationship. One thing happens only because of another.

Reality Tunnels have the form or structure of:

X causes Y

Therefore – (Reality Tunneling)

Y must be caused (only) by X

What if Y is caused by Z? Or X+Z or X-Z? Or something else entirely? According to many quantum physicists, causes and effects are so entwined together it’s impossible to separate one from the other. Basically, there is never one cause for one effect or one effect for one cause. Perhaps reality is a big mess when it comes to cause and effect. To imagine that there is only one cause for any given effect tends to deny reality.

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We or I

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Perhaps there is hope for marriages where at least one partner is willing to exchange "I" for "we".

Perhaps there is hope for marriages where at least one partner is willing to exchange “I” for “we”.

UC Berkeley researchers analyzed conversations between 154 middle-aged and older couples about points of disagreement in their marriages and found that those who used pronouns such as “we,” “our” and “us” behaved more positively toward one another and showed less physiological stress. Couples who emphasized their “separateness” by using pronouns such as “I,” “me” and “you” were found to be less satisfied in their marriages. This was especially true for older couples.

“Individuality is a deeply ingrained value in American society, but, at least in the realm of marriage, being part of a ‘we’ is well worth giving up a bit of ‘me,’” said UC Berkeley psychology professor Robert Levenson, a co-author of the study published in the journal Psychology and Aging.

Previous studies have established that the use of “we-ness” or “separateness” language is a strong indicator of marital satisfaction in younger couples. These latest findings, however, take this several steps further by showing how powerful this correlation is in more established couples, linking it to the emotions and physiological responses that occur when spouses either team up or become polarized in the face of disagreements, researchers said.

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