Tag Archives: intimate relationships

We or I

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Perhaps there is hope for marriages where at least one partner is willing to exchange "I" for "we".

Perhaps there is hope for marriages where at least one partner is willing to exchange “I” for “we”.

UC Berkeley researchers analyzed conversations between 154 middle-aged and older couples about points of disagreement in their marriages and found that those who used pronouns such as “we,” “our” and “us” behaved more positively toward one another and showed less physiological stress. Couples who emphasized their “separateness” by using pronouns such as “I,” “me” and “you” were found to be less satisfied in their marriages. This was especially true for older couples.

“Individuality is a deeply ingrained value in American society, but, at least in the realm of marriage, being part of a ‘we’ is well worth giving up a bit of ‘me,’” said UC Berkeley psychology professor Robert Levenson, a co-author of the study published in the journal Psychology and Aging.

Previous studies have established that the use of “we-ness” or “separateness” language is a strong indicator of marital satisfaction in younger couples. These latest findings, however, take this several steps further by showing how powerful this correlation is in more established couples, linking it to the emotions and physiological responses that occur when spouses either team up or become polarized in the face of disagreements, researchers said.

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Happiness in Conversations

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My mother and I often engage in small talk - but it's code for "I love you."

My mother and I often engage in small talk – but it’s code for “I love you.”

Researchers investigated the difference between happy and unhappy people in the types of conversations they tend to have. Their conclusion – happy people tend to have more substantive conversations and less small talk than do unhappy people. In fact, the study showed the happiest participants had twice as many substantive conversations and one third as much small talk as the unhappiest participants.

“Just as self-disclosure can instill a sense of intimacy in a relationship, deep conversations may instill a sense of meaning in the interaction between partners,” say the researchers.

It’s okay to talk about the weather or basketball scores, but why do you talk about such things? Are you nervous or anxious or concerned about the person with whom you’re having a conversation? Then why not just come out with it instead? Well, for many of us, just “coming out with it” is uncomfortable and sometimes opens windows or doors into worlds of hurt and shame. So we “code” our conversations so as not to directly shake the tree, so to speak.

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How You Say It Matters

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The space around our bodies is simply made for communication and perception.

The space around our bodies is simply made for communication and perception.

Scientists Tamar R. Makin, Meytal Wilf, and Ehud Zohary from the Hebrew University of Jerusalem along with Isabella Schwartz from Hadassah Mount Scopus Hospital in Jerusalem wanted to investigate how hand amputations affect visuospatial perception in near space. Through a series of ingenious experiments, they discovered, “…that the possibility for action in near space shapes our perception – the space near our hands is really special, and our ability to move in that space affects how we perceive it.”

Another study, this time by researchers from Colgate University and Radboud University Nijmegen (The Netherlands) revealed something NLP practitioners have known for some time: that congruent action and verbiage communicates messages far better than when there is incongruent action or speech.

The space around our bodies is simply made for communication and perception. When we move our hands, especially, in this space we affect perception – our own and others’. Science is just now showing us that the intuition and understanding of many NLP practitioners and teachers has some validity in fact.

When you shake your head and answer yes, your perception as well as the perception of others you are attempting to communicate with will feel confused and your message will probably be missed or at least be misunderstood.

Sources:
Article “Two Sides of the Same Coin: Speech and Gesture Mutually Interact to Enhance Comprehension” Psychological Science.
Barbara Isanski – Association for Psychological Science

Strong Relationships are Good for Your Health

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Small gestures can go a long way toward creating a closer relationship.

Small gestures can go a long way toward creating a closer relationship.

You know that maintaining intimacy is important for your relationship with your partner. But did you know that it’s also good for your health?

Psychologists and researchers have discovered a number of benefits for people who experience intimacy in their committed relationships. In fact, closeness in relationships has been found to influence social, emotional, and physical health.

People in intimate relationships…

* Are better at successful navigating various developmental stages
* Are more likely to maintain solid, lasting friendships
* Are less likely to be in car accidents
* Are more resistant to diseases and mental illness

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The Importance of Intimacy: How to Make Your Marriage Last

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We respect and appreciate each other so much more now than at any previous time in our relationship.

We respect and appreciate each other so much more now than at any previous time in our relationship.

My wife and I recently celebrated our wedding anniversary. We celebrated because our relationship feels deeper and more intimate than ever. We respect and appreciate each other so much more now than at any previous time in our relationship. We’re looking forward to many more years of sweetness and fulfillment.

In this article, Dr. Michele Ritterman offers some great information and advice for those seeking to enrich their intimate relationships.

A recent study revealed a few interesting new aspects about intimacy and marriage. A few of these developments have the potential to change the way marriage counselors – and involved spouses – think about marriages. Specifically, how to keep them strong and healthy!

This 13-year study began in 1981, when researcher Ted Huston began following 168 newly-wed couples. By the time the study ended in 1994, 56 of the couples had divorced. In the meantime, Huston learned a whole lot about intimate relationships, causes of conflict, and how to maintain a happy marriage. One of these findings is proving groundbreaking for marriage and family counselors.

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Parallel Trauma

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Teenagers tend to pick up the "vibes" of their friends more strongly than do younger children or adults.

Teenagers tend to pick up the “vibes” of their friends more strongly than do younger children or adults.

It is a well-studied and known phenomenon – teenagers pick up the “vibes” of their friends more strongly than do younger children or adults. During adolescence, we bond very closely to friends. We pick up on their hurts and joys, sharing them in a much more psychologically intimate way than at other times in our lives.

I believe we may also pick up our friends’ traumas and make them our own. More than once have I worked with a client reporting childhood, teen, or young adult trauma that later turned out to be “ghosts” – imaginings based on a friend’s childhood trauma introduced to the shared sensitivities of an intimate group of young friends.

In other words – a false memory. Still, a memory with all the power and influence of a real trauma. And I, as the clinician, treated the symptoms of that trauma as though the original trauma belonged to my client. My client “owned” it, so why not treat it as thought it belonged to my client? Made sense to me. The mind is unable to differentiate between real and imagined when it comes to trauma.

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5 Steps to Recanting Abuse Charges

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"I'll say and do whatever it takes to get out of here..."

"I'll say and do whatever it takes to get out of here..."

And Why You Shouldn’t Fall For Them!

An analysis of recordings of jailhouse telephone conversations between men charged with felony domestic violence and their victims have helped psychologists better understand why some victims decide to recant and dismiss charges against perpetrators.

“The existing belief is that victims recant because the perpetrator threatens her with more violence. But our results suggest something very different. Perpetrators are not threatening the victim, but are using more sophisticated emotional appeals designed to minimize their actions and gain the sympathy of the victim. That should change how we work with victims.” -  Amy Bonomi, associate professor of human development and family science at Ohio State University and study lead author.

The study outlines 5 steps perpetrators used to convince their victims to recant their stories and reverse the charges against them. I recognize these stages as I’ve seen them used. Knowing these stages can put you in a strong position to avoid falling for them.

Step 1 – Heated Argument – in which the perpetrator tries to argue his actions against a strong and resistant victim – “You hurt me and you’re not getting away with it this time!” “Well, if you’d just do what I tell you, I wouldn’t have to hit you, bitch!”

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Make Cause and Effect Work for You

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cause Throughout your life you’ve been conditioned and conditioned yourself to believe in certain cause and effect relationships. Some of your cause-effect relationships may be faulty, however, because you formed in your mind some of those cause-effect relationships at times when you were too young, too ignorant, too traumatized, and/or too inexperienced to adequately evaluate the evidence at hand.

With practice, you’ve perfected your cause and effect relationships to such an extent that they have become automatic – so much so that you simply accept them as truth without question. Further, you tend to apply the “rules” of those relationships to later similar events. For example, the rule that “men cannot be trusted” because (cause-effect) one molested me as a child – taints all future encounters – setting up romantic interludes for failure before they even start. And there’s the first rub – your faulty cause-effect relationships have become so automatic you no longer question them – in fact, you may indeed be completely unaware of many of them.

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People Think They Reap What They Sow In Relationships

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I see myself more clearly in othersPeople gauge how responsive their partners are primarily by how they themselves respond to their partners-not the other way around, according to a series of Yale studies in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

“We have examined this in different ways,” said Margaret Clark, faculty author and psychology professor. “In studies of marriage we’ve found that what people report they do for their partners is a better predictor of what they think their spouse does for them than are the spouse’s own reports of what was done.”

“Most surprisingly,” she said, “when Edward Lemay, a senior Yale graduate student, brought people into the lab and asked leading questions to make them feel supportive or non-supportive of their partner, the first group reported that their partner is more supportive toward them than did the second group.”

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Changing Behavior in Others

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How you view yourself contributes greatly to how people treat you.

How you view yourself contributes greatly to how people treat you.

Imagine that someone behaves towards you in a way that you don’t like. You have a variety of approaches regarding how you respond.

One set of approaches deals with your own area of responsibility. You might ask yourself, “What is it about me that has allowed/permitted/drawn certain people to behave towards me in this way?”

The answers to this question may reveal one of two kinds of answers. The first is the opening of opportunity. Looking like a victim often attracts predators of some description.

Another answer or approach is more metaphysical. For example, say that someone is being very stubborn and not accepting your point. Some metaphysical schools of thought would have you examine yourself, to see if you do this kind of thing to others. Are you sometimes stubborn about some things? Do you sometimes refuse to see the points of some others?

A third approach is to look at the other person. Is this a typical pattern of behavior for them? Do they do this kind of thing often, with you and/or with other people? If this is the case, then you can take steps to remedy the situation.

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