Tag Archives: marriage and family

Happiness in Conversations

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My mother and I often engage in small talk - but it's code for "I love you."

My mother and I often engage in small talk – but it’s code for “I love you.”

Researchers investigated the difference between happy and unhappy people in the types of conversations they tend to have. Their conclusion – happy people tend to have more substantive conversations and less small talk than do unhappy people. In fact, the study showed the happiest participants had twice as many substantive conversations and one third as much small talk as the unhappiest participants.

“Just as self-disclosure can instill a sense of intimacy in a relationship, deep conversations may instill a sense of meaning in the interaction between partners,” say the researchers.

It’s okay to talk about the weather or basketball scores, but why do you talk about such things? Are you nervous or anxious or concerned about the person with whom you’re having a conversation? Then why not just come out with it instead? Well, for many of us, just “coming out with it” is uncomfortable and sometimes opens windows or doors into worlds of hurt and shame. So we “code” our conversations so as not to directly shake the tree, so to speak.

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A Listening Mother Helps Her Child Learn

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Children learn the solution to a problem best when they explain it to their mom.

Children learn the solution to a problem best when they explain it to their mom.

New research from Vanderbilt University reveals that children learn the solution to a problem best when they explain it to their mom. “We knew that children learn well with their moms or with a peer, but we did not know if that was because they were getting feedback and help,” Bethany Rittle-Johnson, the study’s lead author and assistant professor of psychology at Vanderbilt’s Peabody College of education and human development, said. “In this study, we just had the children’s mothers listen, without providing any assistance. We’ve found that by simply listening, a mother helps her child learn.”

Rittle-Johnson believes the new finding can help parents better assist their children with their schoolwork, even when they are not sure of the answer themselves. Although the researchers used children and their mothers in the study, they believe the same results will hold true whether the person is the child’s father, grandparent, or other familiar person.

“The basic idea is that it is really effective to try to get kids to explain things themselves instead of just telling them the answer,” she said. “Explaining their reasoning, to a parent or perhaps to other people they know, will help them understand the problem and apply what they have learned to other situations.”

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Strong Relationships are Good for Your Health

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Small gestures can go a long way toward creating a closer relationship.

Small gestures can go a long way toward creating a closer relationship.

You know that maintaining intimacy is important for your relationship with your partner. But did you know that it’s also good for your health?

Psychologists and researchers have discovered a number of benefits for people who experience intimacy in their committed relationships. In fact, closeness in relationships has been found to influence social, emotional, and physical health.

People in intimate relationships…

* Are better at successful navigating various developmental stages
* Are more likely to maintain solid, lasting friendships
* Are less likely to be in car accidents
* Are more resistant to diseases and mental illness

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God Thoughts Can Influence Generosity

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Just considering thoughts of a higher being or God can foster altruism and generosity.

Just considering thoughts of a higher being or God can foster altruism and generosity.

I’m not a believer in one or more Gods, but I do find it interesting that just considering thoughts of a higher being or God can foster altruism and generosity – especially in a world where religion has been at the root of horrible wars and atrocious behaviors.

For many years, Rapid Eye Technology has encouraged clients and students to consider a higher power when dealing with stressful thoughts and emotions. Apparently, a recent study confirms the usefulness of that concept.

I figure that what you believe is your business – and ask that you not impose your beliefs on me or others. I think that an exemplary life is the best missionary tool for your belief system. Happiness tends to breed happiness. If a belief or belief system – religion – will cultivate that sense of happiness and peace, then I’m all for it.

I also believe that altruism and generosity are not exclusively the property of believers in God or a higher power. Learning to love and appreciate people as worthy of respect also tends to foster altruism and gratitude.

Whatever does the trick, I say… Read on for details of the study…

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The Importance of Intimacy: How to Make Your Marriage Last

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We respect and appreciate each other so much more now than at any previous time in our relationship.

We respect and appreciate each other so much more now than at any previous time in our relationship.

My wife and I recently celebrated our wedding anniversary. We celebrated because our relationship feels deeper and more intimate than ever. We respect and appreciate each other so much more now than at any previous time in our relationship. We’re looking forward to many more years of sweetness and fulfillment.

In this article, Dr. Michele Ritterman offers some great information and advice for those seeking to enrich their intimate relationships.

A recent study revealed a few interesting new aspects about intimacy and marriage. A few of these developments have the potential to change the way marriage counselors – and involved spouses – think about marriages. Specifically, how to keep them strong and healthy!

This 13-year study began in 1981, when researcher Ted Huston began following 168 newly-wed couples. By the time the study ended in 1994, 56 of the couples had divorced. In the meantime, Huston learned a whole lot about intimate relationships, causes of conflict, and how to maintain a happy marriage. One of these findings is proving groundbreaking for marriage and family counselors.

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5 Steps to Recanting Abuse Charges

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"I'll say and do whatever it takes to get out of here..."

"I'll say and do whatever it takes to get out of here..."

And Why You Shouldn’t Fall For Them!

An analysis of recordings of jailhouse telephone conversations between men charged with felony domestic violence and their victims have helped psychologists better understand why some victims decide to recant and dismiss charges against perpetrators.

“The existing belief is that victims recant because the perpetrator threatens her with more violence. But our results suggest something very different. Perpetrators are not threatening the victim, but are using more sophisticated emotional appeals designed to minimize their actions and gain the sympathy of the victim. That should change how we work with victims.” -  Amy Bonomi, associate professor of human development and family science at Ohio State University and study lead author.

The study outlines 5 steps perpetrators used to convince their victims to recant their stories and reverse the charges against them. I recognize these stages as I’ve seen them used. Knowing these stages can put you in a strong position to avoid falling for them.

Step 1 – Heated Argument – in which the perpetrator tries to argue his actions against a strong and resistant victim – “You hurt me and you’re not getting away with it this time!” “Well, if you’d just do what I tell you, I wouldn’t have to hit you, bitch!”

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People Think They Reap What They Sow In Relationships

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I see myself more clearly in othersPeople gauge how responsive their partners are primarily by how they themselves respond to their partners-not the other way around, according to a series of Yale studies in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

“We have examined this in different ways,” said Margaret Clark, faculty author and psychology professor. “In studies of marriage we’ve found that what people report they do for their partners is a better predictor of what they think their spouse does for them than are the spouse’s own reports of what was done.”

“Most surprisingly,” she said, “when Edward Lemay, a senior Yale graduate student, brought people into the lab and asked leading questions to make them feel supportive or non-supportive of their partner, the first group reported that their partner is more supportive toward them than did the second group.”

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Changing Behavior in Others

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How you view yourself contributes greatly to how people treat you.

How you view yourself contributes greatly to how people treat you.

Imagine that someone behaves towards you in a way that you don’t like. You have a variety of approaches regarding how you respond.

One set of approaches deals with your own area of responsibility. You might ask yourself, “What is it about me that has allowed/permitted/drawn certain people to behave towards me in this way?”

The answers to this question may reveal one of two kinds of answers. The first is the opening of opportunity. Looking like a victim often attracts predators of some description.

Another answer or approach is more metaphysical. For example, say that someone is being very stubborn and not accepting your point. Some metaphysical schools of thought would have you examine yourself, to see if you do this kind of thing to others. Are you sometimes stubborn about some things? Do you sometimes refuse to see the points of some others?

A third approach is to look at the other person. Is this a typical pattern of behavior for them? Do they do this kind of thing often, with you and/or with other people? If this is the case, then you can take steps to remedy the situation.

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Memory Restructuring

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Research is showing that sleep seems to reorganize memories, picking out the emotional details and reconfiguring the memories.

Research is showing that sleep seems to reorganize memories, picking out the emotional details and reconfiguring the memories.

“Sleep is making memories stronger,” says Jessica D. Payne of the University of Notre Dame. “It also seems to be doing something which I think is so much more interesting, and that is reorganizing and restructuring memories.”

Wait a minute! Did she just say what I think I heard her say? That memories are “reorganized” and “restructured”? And here I thought memories were true and accurate recordings of events! Ok, if you’re a long-time reader you know I’ve written about false memory syndrome before; and this is yet another study confirming my belief that memories are far from accurate.

Knowing that memories are fallible and subject to errors, maybe I can reconfirm that memories may be manipulated – molded to help support how I want to feel today. Remember that someone who did you wrong? Yeah? Well, maybe you can change the details of your memories of that person to support a new you – perhaps rehearsing the memory with you WINNING instead of coming out the victim. Especially, say the study authors, sleeping on a memory can change it – so why not reconsider your memories of the day just as you’re drifting off to sleep? Reconsider in a way that supports a stronger emotional you. It’s called reframing – or “spinning” memories. If politicians can get away with it, why not me, too?!

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Strengthening Families

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"Reflecting back on what might have happened leads to increased commitment."

"Reflecting back on what might have happened leads to increased commitment."

Researchers from the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University and the Haas School of Business at the University of California, Berkeley have discovered that building a more committed workforce can be as simple as asking employees to reflect on their company’s history.

“Institutions that can communicate a compelling historical narrative often inspire a special kind of commitment among employees. It is this dedication that directly affects a company’s success and is critical to creating a strong corporate legacy,” said author Adam Galinsky, Morris and Alice Kaplan professor of ethics and decision in management.

“Businesses can better position themselves to prosper when they clearly articulate their origin stories to employees,” said lead author Ersner-Hershfield. “In order for companies to effectively communicate their narrative, they should ask themselves whether there were key meetings, events or people during the economic crisis, without which the company’s outlook would have taken a turn for the worse. Focusing on how things could have turned out differently fosters a positive view of the current circumstances among employees and thus generates an increased sense of commitment.”

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