Perhaps there is hope for marriages where at least one partner is willing to exchange “I” for “we”.

UC Berkeley researchers analyzed conversations between 154 middle-aged and older couples about points of disagreement in their marriages and found that those who used pronouns such as “we,” “our” and “us” behaved more positively toward one another and showed less physiological stress. Couples who emphasized their “separateness” by using pronouns such as “I,” “me” and “you” were found to be less satisfied in their marriages. This was especially true for older couples.

“Individuality is a deeply ingrained value in American society, but, at least in the realm of marriage, being part of a ‘we’ is well worth giving up a bit of ‘me,’” said UC Berkeley psychology professor Robert Levenson, a co-author of the study published in the journal Psychology and Aging.

Previous studies have established that the use of “we-ness” or “separateness” language is a strong indicator of marital satisfaction in younger couples. These latest findings, however, take this several steps further by showing how powerful this correlation is in more established couples, linking it to the emotions and physiological responses that occur when spouses either team up or become polarized in the face of disagreements, researchers said.

“The use of ‘we’ language is a natural outgrowth of a sense of partnership, of being on the same team, and confidence in being able to face problems together,” said study co-author Benjamin Seider, a graduate student in psychology at UC Berkeley.

In May, we will be married 40 years. And I’d say we are more in love now than we have ever been. We honor and appreciate each other as peers in a great adventure that is on-going for us. There is a sort of magnifying influence in “we” that cannot be expressed or experienced in “you and I”. Just like a dog that cannot comprehend physics, a person who has never experienced “we” may find it very difficult to imagine the power of that kind of unity.

If you are struggling with your marriage, you might try a simple thing: start using “we-ness” pronouns like “we”, “us”, and “our” – it may take some conscious work at first, but over time it should get easier to do. You don’t both have to do this – if just one of a couple uses the pronouns, the other will tend to eventually start doing the same.

Source -
“We Can Work It Out: Age Differences in Relational Pronouns, Physiology and Behavior in Marital Conflict,” Robert Levenson, Benjamin Seider, Gilad Hirschberger and Kristin Nelson, UC Berkeley’s Institute of Personality and Social Research.